Thursday, July 28, 2011

True Menage


I have a group of friends who read pretty much nothing but erotic romance. They eat it up like it’s candy. I was confronted by several the other day, and they wanted to ask me a question.

What’s up with ménage?

It’s not that my friends don’t like it.  They love ménage and read everything they can get their hands on, but they tried to explain that it’s causing a little trouble. One told me it was like that episode of Friends where Joey and Chandler suddenly find themselves with free porn on their cable.  They can’t look away because they know it’s going off at some point.  Shouldn’t they enjoy every minute?  Unfortunately, there is only so much the human mind can take before the odd seems normal.  I agree. Now when I watch a movie that has a love triangle, I just wonder why they don’t decide who’s going to use the back door? I mean isn’t that really the only problem here? Edward vs. Jacob – no big deal. Just share Bella, boys.  Damon and Stefan on Vampire Diaries? Guys, she doesn’t have to choose. There’s enough of Elena to go around.
My friends are having the same trouble, though it’s bled over into real life. One related the following incident:
“So I’m sitting in a diner in Stephenville, Texas with my mother-in-law.  We’re having a perfectly fine lunch when the hottest cowboy I’ve ever seen walks through the doors.  He’s six-foot three inches of pure sex on a stick from the Stetson on his head to his cowboy boots.  He’s polite but commanding, with clear blue eyes and jaw line carved from granite.  My jaw drops open, but what do I think?  Do I enjoy the sight?  No, I start looking around for his twin brother or equally hot and kinky best friend.  Thanks, Sophie, you’ve ruined guy watching for me.”

Two Guys = Double the Pleasure?

I mumble an apology and don’t mention that the same thing has occurred to me.  Now when I see a hot guy at the gym (yes, uber-hot werewolf guy, I’m talking about you) I tend to double him.  Werewolf guy at the gym has no idea that I used him as a model for Three to Ride, only I gave him an identical twin brother who likes to share.  (At least I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know.  I haven’t gotten a restraining order filed on me, yet.)  I’ve been reading talks with other authors who also write ménage in an attempt to get inside their brains.  When asked if they themselves would like to be in a ménage, they universally said ‘hell, yeah.’  Me, I’m not so sure.  Oh, I’m certain the sex would be hot, but let’s face facts.  Double the sex means double the underwear I have to clean.  It means double the dishes to wash.  It means double the work stories I have to listen to.  (I pray that second part is true and they both have jobs.)  When I really look at it outside the romance fantasy of erotica, I have to wonder what kind of ménage would really work for me.

Real Ménage means never having to do the dishes …

And then, I see it.  In the end it’s really simple.  It’s me, my BFF and some totally hot twenty-year-old.  The twenty-year-old is kind of the random factor in all of this.  He just has to be ridiculously hot and have a nice package, so he can take care of our wicked crazy forty-year old sex drives.  (You know what I’m talking about, ladies.  We’re like teen-aged boys.)  He isn’t there for conversation.  That’s what the BFF is for.  He has his own room in the house.  All he needs is a big screen TV, an X-Box and a can of Lysol.  (Two sprays a day keeps the boy smell away.)  We take him out of his room when the need arises.  Other than that, we sit in our perfectly clean, immaculately decorated living room, sip Cosmos and wait for True Blood to come back on.  It’s a perfectly realistic fantasy.

Except I just opened the door to my boy toy’s room and he has a twin.

Damn it!


Sophie Oak writes for Siren Publishing. Her latest - Lost in Bliss - is available August 12th.

15 comments:

KateMC said...

My biggest regret in life is saying no to three French rugby players when they offered 'a good time' If only I could turn the clock back, sigh.

Chele Blades said...

oh you sooo crack me up...a twin? I have a daughter who will be 21 in sept and another who is 19 (and goes to college) now they bring home some boy toys...*sigh* and i just keep them around for eye candy...i leave my dirty thirties for the 40 at the end of this year...so i know what you are talking about...

i build my "menage" the way many of you great authors write, where they do the cooking, cleaning, spoiling & "spending the money on me" fantasy....

see reading the stories make me want the experience but now I want the fantasy...so i guess i will just sit back and read...

waiting so patiently for LOST IN BLISS...

Stacey said...

LOL. Too funny, Sophie!!

Stormy said...

Too funny and soooo spot on! I had a conversation with some friends where we all wondered if Prince William, Kate and Prince Harry have something going when an article mentioned that Harry would be staying with them some. In my fantasy? Yes, yes they do!! You really do find yourself asking WHY DO THEY HAVE TO CHOOSE???

Sophie said...

Kate - French rugby players? And you said no? Were you holding out for the Aussies? I got on a train in Venice with a friend and we realized as we stood on the platform that we were surrounded by an Italian football (soccer) team. Oh, the dreams we had that night...

Sophie said...

Chele - the spoiling is an absolute must in my menage fantasies! And only 15 more days til Lost in Bliss!

Sophie said...

Thanks, Stacey. And Stormy - I could totally write menage! Harry would be the bad boy Dom.

KateMC said...

Sophie, as my very dear gay friend said to me 'Stupid cow!' They played for the French rugby team and were in Manchester for a game. They came into a restaurant where I was working as a waitress and they were drop dead gorgeous with incredible bodies. It was surprising how much french I could remember from my school days lol.

BecauseISaid said...

I wonder if mothers of twin boys worry about this happening to their "little dears".

Juniper Bell said...

Sophie, great post and so very true! Lately when I read erotic romance that doesn't have a menage it just feels like something's missing. Should we be worried about ourselves and our twisted minds? LOL.

Sophie said...

I tried reading Dan Brown and wondered when the characters were going to get it on. I know the feeling, Juniper!

heather said...

Great post, Sophie. My sister called me literally 5 seconds after after Vampire Diaries went off, she was all upset bout how Elana had to choose and they how they both love her so much. I told her the same thing the same thing you said, 'why don't they just share her.' My sister gets real quiet then squels and says 'Heather, that would be perfect.' Lol!

Lizzie Newell said...

Nice post. Great sense of humor.

Heather Rainier said...

Sophie, you are spot on! We're ruined! I'll stick to the fantasy of "spoil me rotten" and LOL on the teenaged boy comment! That is so true. I've thoroughly embraced my forties and plan to kick its butt well into my fifties. Wish I knew in my twenties what I know now! Great post!

Savanna Kougar said...

Sophie, I especially like the whole spoiling angle of menage! Fab post.