Monday, September 19, 2011

10 Hazards of Writing Erotic Romance

I LOVE writing erotic romance, but it has its awkward moments. Sometimes I think it's the most hilarious career in the world. Off the top of my head, here are ten hazards of writing hot that I never expected.

1.     Uncontrollable giggles during copy edits. How can you keep a straight face when your editor asks, “Can he really reach around two men to massage her clit? How long are his arms?”
2.     Having to carefully check each piece of scrap paper before my daughter can color on the back. REALLY don’t want to hear her sound out the word “cock” because it shows up ten times on one piece of paper.
3.     Occasionally traumatized by online research. I’m open-minded, but some of the things people do…holy guacamole. My eyes, my eyes!
4.     Living in fear that a member of my family might actually read one of my books. And worse, tell me about it. If they violate my “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, we’re in for some interesting holiday dinners.
5.     Feeling that something’s missing when I read a book that doesn’t show anyone having sex. (I mean, WTF, Tolstoy? A thousand pages on Anna Karenina and you couldn’t squeeze out a single sex scene?)
6.     Difficulty explaining why hunting for sexy photos of hot men is part of my job. Here’s one now. See? Just doing my job. ;-)
7.     Hesitant to provide accurate information in my college “what’s new” questionnaires.
8.     Unable to drive past a firehouse, a ranch, a group of men in uniform, or any man on a motorcycle without dirty thoughts. But that might have been true even before I started writing.
9.     Unlikely to participate in “Take our Daughters and Sons to Work Day.” Of course, I work at home, so she’s around. But I won’t be explaining the ins and outs of my career until she hits 18.
10.  Husband chooses to believe I’m always interested in “research.” Hey, anything for the job. ;-) 

Anyone else have any hazards to share -- either writing or reading erotic romance? Come on, I know I'm not the only one who shakes my head sometimes and wonders what I've gotten myself into. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. Love ya, erotic romance!

My most recent release is Go Deep from Ellora's Cave. Click here for more.



Lily said...

Oh, Juniper - this post had me laughing out loud!! I can relate to all of your points so well.

Lily x

Stacey said...

I loved this! Can totally relate :)


SusieJ said...

As a reader I can relate too. I do research too-for hot men to match with the characters...that's my story and I'm sticking to it!
Hugs xx

Elyzabeth M. VaLey said...

LOL I'm worried that someone will read over my shoulder when I'm writing in class (some days are really boring. :p

Seleste deLaney said...

Not utilizing a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, only to have mother-in-law post an amazon review wherein I learn more about her real sex life than I ever wanted to know. *shudder*

Edith DuBois said...

This is an amazing and ACCURATE list! Giggles all over the place. I especially like that we all look up hot dudes for "research."

Also, definitely have been traumatized by online research. And half the time it's not even sex related. Just random stuff where I'm not expecting anything crazy, and then I fall into this wikipedia rabbit hole of discovery. It can be quite scary. Y'alls comments were hilarious. Thanks for posting, Juniper!

MiaAshlinn said...

Loved your post. Everything is so true! Although, I am a believer in that it makes life a helluva lot more fun...I was always into sneaking around! If writing doesn't work out, I might try to find a job as a spy or a PI. Then, I could paid to be a voyeur. Yep, I am a perv. :)

heather said...

Lmao, I had no clue yall had it so rough! Love the post!

books4me said...

My hubby and I had a good chuckle!

Anonymous said...


Great list!


Eden Bradley said...

This all so true! And so funny! (and BTW, I saw the HOTTEST fireman in front of the firehouse the other day).
My hazard as an erotic romance author: My dad *dying* to tell me how my first BDSM novel reminds him of his younger days. I do NOT need to know, Dad, so please stop bringing it up five years later.
(But good to know the kink is a genetic thing. I think.).

Brandi said...

Love it all! As an aspiring author, when my hubs see my "researching" or talking to him about pervys things, he shakes his head and wonders what he got himself into when we married. Oh well! It's for work! Kinda... =)

Juniper Bell said...

Thanks, Lily and Stacey! At least we can laugh about it, right? LOL

SusieJ, you don't have to convince me. OF COURSE it's research!

Elyzabeth, that's another great one for the list! Always having to choose a seat in the corner when you're working at a coffee shop so no one can see what you're writing.

Juniper Bell said...

Seleste!!! OMG, I'm dying here. Did that really happen? Holy crap.

Edith, I know just what you mean. And that rabbit hole can be like a time warp too ... you come out dazed and confused to find out hours have passed. ;-)

Mia - I totally agree, it makes life a lot more fun. As writers, we're total voyeurs! And I'm not ashamed. LOL

Juniper Bell said...

Heather - Oh yes, it's a tough life. ;-) Good thing it's so fun.

Books and Casey - Thanks!!

Eden - That one is classic! I'd have to cover my ears and go "lalalala" if my father talked about his past. A genetic link to kink?? Hm, I wonder if anyone's done a study. Thanks for stopping by! Smooches!

Brandi - Personally, I think any man married to a woman who writes erotic romance is a VERY LUCKY GUY! I remind my husband of that frequently.

Gregory Allen said...

These were funny, and I can definitely relate. I jot down notes at work and am always worried about leaving them somewhere. Luckily my handwriting is unreadable.

I struggle with the not sharing my work with my family, though. That's tough. I mean, if I was married, my parents wouldn't watch my wife and I have sex, but they would still get to know her. They'll never get to meet my erotica characters, just because they are having lots and lots of kinky sex. (my erotica characters are having lots of kinky sex, not my parents, to be clear.)

Alexandra O'Hurley said...

LMAO! SOOOOOO True. My mother refuses to read any of mine just because she doesn't want to know what I know, and I am so glad.

And I can't read anything non-erotic without it dragging out f-o-r-e-v-e-r!

Great post, thanks for the laughs!

Adonis Devereux said...

I can totally relate to #2!

Harlie Reader said...

I can relate to #2 also. When I beta read or critique someone, I have to be extra careful that my 6 yr old son doesn't find the papers laying around. He can read...sorta.

Of course, hubby gets the benefits of me reading it.

Harlie Reader said...

As always, great post Juniper. I love this blog.

Louisa Bacio said...


Hilarious! Love the post! Another one, everyone who thinks you're writing about your fantasy about *them*

And yes, I walk around looking at people all the time. Had to remind myself recently not to stare at other women's breasts to describe them (I was wearing sunglasses ...).

Terri Talley Venters said...

I loved reading this. Hysterically accurate. I've got 2 more ( I learned the hard way (pun intended).
11. Do not write erotica when your lover, spouse, etc. Is out of town.
12. Do not write erotica in the middle if the night, you'll never get back to sleep.
Thanks for sharing your hazards.

Z said...

Hey Juniper,
That was good about the long arms. I loaned my SIL a book that had anal play in it and she read it aloud to her 16 yr old son and then then told him that was sodomy and that's what his Aunt likes to read...yeah, never loaning her a book again.

Eliza March [Elizabeth Marchat] said...

You had me at #1. I'm spewing coffee all over the place identifying with your problems. I always love the editors' comment best. We should all put them together and write a book.

Yea, then there's the online research... Please God don't anyone look at my cookies after I die.

Thank you so much for this.

Eliza March