Monday, September 12, 2011

Size Matters


Morning my little ménage fiends. I just got back from the Caribbean and remembered I had to blog this morning. My brain is far too full of sand to do anything new, so I’m recycling something from the old site. I doubt you’ve read it. If you have, so sorry. You can give me a birthday spanking.  

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My husband has decided to make a man-stand.  He’s done with some of the stuff I put in my books.  This argument came up as I was just beginning to write the sequel to my fall release Three to Ride.  This one is called Two to Love and it’s a ménage.  He doesn’t have a problem with that.  He does have a problem with one of the men.  His name is Zane and he has…wait for it…a really big penis.

Hubby:  Sophie, that’s ridiculous.  No one has a cock that big.  Do you realize the dimensions you’ve described?  One of those guy’s cocks hits his navel and he’s the small one. 

Sophie: It seems reasonable to me.

This is the point at which he gets out the visual aids.  A back scratcher is used to show that a penis when fully erect and hitting a man’s navel, it’s over a foot long.  I say if it’s good enough for hot dogs across America then it’s good enough for my heroine, Callie.  Hubby points out some odd mathematical formula because the penis apparently won’t actually stand straight up so you have to factor in the angle and the amount of blood and then it really comes out to a little over twelve inches.  Completely unreasonable in his mind.  When I refuse to give up on my poor hero’s large appendage, I am told that he’ll be unable to maintain an erection because he will pass out from lack of blood in his brain.

I’m doing women everywhere a disservice.  I am giving you a completely unrealistic view of the male sex organ.  In deference to my husband, I have revised the sex scene to be more realistic.  Please, enjoy.

Callie stared at Zane, her mouth dropping open.  He was…so average.  That thing was a perfectly reasonable size.  Callie’s heart sped up when she realized it would fit without any problems whatsoever.  Hell, they might not even need lubricant. 

Zane stroke his five and half inch cock that was actually smaller than his hand because he’s six foot five.  It didn’t take him long.  

“Don’t worry honey.”  His voice was rough.  His every syllable laden with that thick Texas accent.  It spilled across her like molasses.  “I’ll be gentle with this very reasonable monster.  I know how to use it.”  

Callie looked back at Nate who was stroking his penis, as well. He wanted to shove that perfectly average thing up her backside. It would probably fit just fine. No need to worry at all.
It was going to feel so…well, average, Callie realized.  Callie hoped there were still batteries in her vibrator. 

I promise to take into consideration all the male readers of my erotic romance novels from now on.  I will listen to you.  And then I will make my hero’s penis as large as it needs to be to get the job done in a fantasy way that blows readers’ minds.  This isn’t realism, buddy.  This is my fantasy and it involves two guys of way beyond average size who don’t mind sharing, love to spend hours pleasuring a female and, oh, if they’re supersecret multimillionaires, then that works, too.  Get used to it.  Zane’s penis stays.  So does Nate’s for that matter.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.



Sophie Oak writes erotic romance for Siren Publishing. Her latest book, Beast: A Faery Story, will be available September 23rd at Bookstrand.com. You can read the first chapter of all her books for free at www.sophieoak.com.

17 comments:

Heather Rainier said...

I was enjoying my morning coffee as I read your post Sophie. I took a nice big sip of 'sweet and blond' as I hit the excerpt. Coffee stings coming out of your nose. Warn a girl next time. Loved your post and I'm glad you're back, babe;-)

Chele Blades said...

I'm with Heather you need to Warn a Gal before you post something like that...have to clean my screen at work and people are still staring at me while i giggle..considering the source i should have know better than to take a drink ...hope you had a great time and a wonderful birthday

Chele Blades said...

in other news...OMG i am now crotch looking why am i doing that...i guess since i do not have a ruler in hand they are not frightened...just yet...next time i reading this blog at the end of my work day

heather said...

Ok, he can not mess with Zane. I grew very attached to him while reading Two to Love and I'm feeling a lil' protective of him :) Besides, like you said, it's all fantasy and every girls fantasy is to have a really huge cock so keep on writing like you are Sophie cuz we will definitely keep on reading!

MiaAshlinn said...

Bless you, Sophie. After a sucky morning, I neede a good laugh. I don't know what made me laugh harder - your commentary, your conversation with the hubby, or the excerpt. The only negative is that (like Heather Rainier and Chele Blades) I choked on my damn food. I am getting quite good at that! At least I wasn't at work or spewing scalding coffee from my nose. There is always a silver lining. Hehehe. Y'all are freaking hilarious. :)

-Mia

Tammy said...

Glad I had my coffee before reading this. It's all fantasy, and like Heather said its every girls fantasy to have a really huge cock. giggles, I would probably run, but you cant keep a gal from dreaming. love the blog. Keep writing what we gals love.

Karen O said...

Ok, my neighbors already think I'm a crazy lady, now they know it for sure! As I read your post I laughed so hard I snorted! Thankfully no food or drink was involved!

Edith DuBois said...

My reactions as I read this post...

conversation with husband: hehe

commentary on penis lengths in erotica: hehehe

excerpt: heheHEEEEEEEEEE *CRIES*

Sophie, you darling creature, I love this.

Sophie said...

Thank you for the comments, ladies. I am making my stand. Some things are worth fighting over and penis size is one of them. My characters will continue to have monster cocks. I am sure my husband will continue to walk into store, find a yard stick, put it to his crotch and ask me - in a loud voice - if that's really what I want. Yeah, it's that kind of marriage.

SusieJ said...

ROFL! Great conversation with your hubby - totally understand where he's coming from (Barbie gives men a totally unrealistic idea of what a woman should like!!) but it is fantasy after all..and your rewrite had me laughing out loud!
Hugs xx
p.s. I'm off to reread the book with the revised version in mind!lol

Brandi said...

I think to myself sometimes, damn where are all these hot men with big dicks in real life? Cause I have been around the block a time or two before I married and let me tell you. My average for big to average/small cock sucked. But then I look at tumblr and see that most of the hot guys with bid dicks are in Europe. That's were I am moving. Who's with me?

Susan said...

ROFL!! That was great! Thanks for sharing - too funny!

Kallypso Masters said...

Hilarious, Sophie! Aren't hubbies fun? Mine has a real problem with the whole m/f/m scenario. Now, conversely, he doesn't see anything wrong with a f/m/f fantasy. Hmmm. Loved the rewrite--not that I would ever expect to see it in print. (Or want to!)

Sophie said...

I hear the whole m/f/m is wrong but f/m/f is hot from my trainer all the time. I've pointed out to the poor boy the math of the equation. He only has one dick. What is the other chick supposed to do? Give him a foot rub? He actually liked that scenario.

heather said...

LMAO, I bet he did like that idea! Too bad for him, no girl in their right mind would go for that :)

Courtney said...

Love, Love, Love this post! My husband would point out the mathematical inaccuracies of Zane's ahem, member, as well. It's a good thing I was never good at math!

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