Friday, November 18, 2011

A Special Message from Mr. Oak

We now interrupt your regularly scheduled Sophie Oak blog with this message from her beloved husband.

“Your wife writes erotic romance?!? Dude, that’s hot. Your sex life must rock!”

A lot of conversations start this way these days.

Being married to an erotic romance author is, in fact, incredibly interesting. The craziest stuff pops out of her mouth at any given time. Imagine if you will that you are rocking your newborn baby to sleep, your eyes drifting closed as your sleep-deprived brain fights for rest in the brief moments of silence. A gentle whisper calls to you, “Honey, what’s another word for sphincter? It needs to be sexy. Sphincter seriously isn’t sexy.”

Fast forward to an anniversary dinner in an elegant restaurant surrounded by tuxedo-clad wait staff and the soothing play of violins in the background. Just as you cut into a filet that costs more than your first apartment (it was the late 80s), your beautiful wife stares lovingly across the table and asks, “Babe, how long do you think I could keep a buttplug in my ass walking around waiting tables like that?” After performing the Heimlich maneuver on the poor elderly woman sitting at the table next to us (serves her right for eavesdropping), I politely respond, “I am not sure, but I am dying to find out.” By the end of our conversation that night, I think they were either going to go home and have the hottest sex of their elder years, or they were so depressed that they drove their Hoverounds into the lake.

Now put yourself in a different state of mind. The setting: the somber drive from the funeral home to the graveside service of my grandfather’s funeral. I adored him deeply, and I still miss him, and the task of being a pallbearer at the funeral of my last remaining grandparent had me reflecting on my mortality, the sad reality of the passage of time, and my fear that one day I would have to watch my parents, and even my friends lowered into the ground. A supportive and loving hand reaches out and caresses my arm as I drive. “Baby, you would like it if two different people were sucking your balls into their mouths at the same time, right? That seems like the sort of thing you would enjoy.” I have to say, I laughed all the way to the graveside service as did my poor sister and her fiancé -- the protestant minister. My beloved wife chuckled along with us and then looked deeply into my eyes and said, “Seriously though, that’s hot right?” The minister calmly responded from the backseat, “Yes. That is quite hot.”

The trick with being married to a woman who writes erotic romance for a living is always having an open mind, an open heart and never, ever getting suspicious when you find her whispering about anal sex with a strange man over Skype at 4am in the morning. (I love you, Kris Cook.). All in all, being married to Sophie Oak is a pretty awesome gig.

In response to the conversation starter above, I always respond. “Yes, dude, it is pretty hot and if you must know my sex life does rock.” Well, at least it is when she isn’t fighting a deadline.

We get asked a lot by our friends who have read her work if we have done everything in her stories. No comment, but I can share one thing. I never get tired of her asking for suggestions for how to combine penises and vaginas in interesting ways, and in a variety of numbers and combinations. I thank the universe every night that she didn’t decide to write about toothless, homogenized vampires or pill-popping, neurotic, strung-out urbanites whose existence is defined by their misery.

Next time I will tell you about the time I caught her bent over the sofa being mounted from behind by her personal assistant while staging a love scene.



Sophie Oak writes erotic romance for Siren Publishing.

Her latest book, Siren in Waiting, was released today at Bookstrand.com.

20 comments:

MichelleKCanada said...

That was seriously the funniest thing I have read in a long time. You two sound like an awesome couple. Bravo for embracing the erotic world.

Cheers, MichelleKCanada

Missy Martine said...

You definitely brought me tears of laughter this morning. My own husband positively "glows" with the attention he receives from his fellow employees. He even has a set of my books, in paperback, lined up at his desk. I have to admit I've never asked him some of my more risque questions in public, maybe it's time to find out how he'd respond! Thanks so much for sharing this little glimpse of your marriage :)

Bronwyn Green said...

OMG - I'm dying over here! Best blog post I've read in AGES.

Thank you so much for sharing! :D

Riane said...

OMG!! I laughed so hard I was crying!! I had to read sections to my husband. I think your husband should have his own blog. "The life and lunacy of Sophie's husband."

Thank you for sharing!!

Kim C said...

So funny!!! Now I know why I love your wife's writing. The freedom to be who she is without censor reflects in her novels.

And I agree with Riane... You should definitely start a blog of your own...

Kim C

Courtney said...

Seriously, I think I'm going have to share this with my BFF AND my hubby

Sophie said...

Guys, don't encourage him! I wrote about our argument over Zane in Two to Love's penis size. He wants to start a blog about all the items that are smaller than Zane's penis. Seriously, he walks into a Target and gets one of those massive summer sausages puts it to his crotch and takes a picture to send to me asking if that's really what I want coming at me tonight. He's insane.

TarHeelsRule said...

Insane or no, Sophie, you wouldn't have him any other way!! That was freaking hilarious. Now I need to get back to Bo, Trev and Beth. {hugs}

SusieJ said...

ROFL here!! That was fabulous (and, yes, you should start your own blog!).
Thanks so much for sharing... :)
Hugs xx

Laura said...

omg was having a bad morning went and read this and all i can say is Thank you Mr Sophie's husband for making my day a little bit better

MiaAshlinn said...

LMAO! That was freaking hilarious. Can't wait to share with my hubby. He will get a huge kick out of it. Thanks for sharing. Oh, can't wait for the staging love scene story with her personal assistant. :) I bet you could write a full novel just with stories about your life with Sophie. LOL. Hope you have a wonderful Friday! :)

Marie Force said...

Absolutely hilarious! Mr. Oak has a future as a comedy writer. Maybe a sitcom in your future? I guess it would have to be an HBO series in light of the questions she poses....

veronicascott said...

Hilarious! Puts a whole new spin on the subject. Enjoyed his sense of humor about this aspect of life very much.

Eva's Flowers said...

That was too funny to read. As a reader I do often wonder what goes on in the background as you are trying to figure out inventive positions ;) Now we know, you ask one and all! Thanks for sharing.

Anara Bella said...

Hahahaha! Freakin' hilarious! Loved this post. Thanks for sharing. =)

Anara

JM said...

OHMIGOSH! That cracked me up. Sadly, most of the time we writers don't even notice how ridiculous our questions would sound to the general public.
Nice to see the guy's side.
Awesome Blog~!

Tammy said...

That made my day to hear another side of Sophie Oaks life. I laughed so hard I was crying and had to change my .... well you get the ideal. Was so honored that you shared those moments with us. Hope to hear more about the staging love scene with her personal assistant. *giggling*

Lily said...

LOL! Mr Harlem loved this and completely identified - it made him feel less alone in the world :-)

Lily x

Denise Pattison said...

Absolutely loved this blog & the comments. It's nice to know my husband & I aren't the only ones having these conversations. LOL. I embarrass the heck out of our family members.

Susan Bloomingdale said...

Thinking Mr. Oak should try his hand at writing erotic comedy stories....he'd be an instant hit! Loved the glimpse into the life of an author. Took my hubby with me to my first RWA meeting locally and he introduces himself as "Susan's" muse...yeah, our husbands definitely have stories to tell. Thank you for sharing yours!