Friday, January 20, 2012

How Can I Get a Menage Going When Everyone is Gay?

I have certain fantasies. I know. Shocking, Sophie. You never could have guessed that of me. I have ménage fantasies and sometimes…only sometimes, you see, they involve high profile men. Most of the time I just dream of having my husband and his double. Because I love him so much I want two of him.

But every now and then I think about what it would be like to have a ménage with a couple of superhot actors. Let me wrack my brain because really it’s usually my husband times two –

There’s my craggy British hottie fantasy – Daniel Craig/me/Kevin McKidd

Thor and the other one – Chris Hemsworth/me/Liam Hemsworth

I watch too much True Blood fantasy – Alexander Skarsgard/me/Joe Manganiello

Ménage from Down Under – Sam Worthington/me/Hugh Jackman

This is just a sample of what I can do when my imagination gets going. And then guess who blows it. Yes, the husband. But not the one I married. My gay husband kills my dreams. See, I was married to my gay husband – the wonderful Kris Cook – in a sacred ceremony that binds a gay man to a straight woman. Well, we decided it over righteously expensive vodka. He believes our marriage gives him the right to do two things – ban me from ever wearing Uggs again and tell me every guy I think is hot is actually gay. I give you an example of a recent conversation:

Sophie: OMG. I just saw Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and Cowboys and Aliens all in one weekend. I want Daniel Craig!

Kris:       (shakes his head with the deepest of sympathy) Honey, he’s gay.

Sophie: No, he’s not. He’s married.

Kris:       (pats my hand) Sweetie, he’s hot and he’s British. Whoever she is, she’s his beard.

Yep. So sorry to tell you this Rachel Weiss. You’re gorgeous and sexy and ridiculously talented, but if your hubby is hot, he’s obviously gay. This starts a huge argument where he tells me everyone from Ryan Reynolds to Jason Momoa (he claims to know his boyfriend) is really gay. So who isn’t? I ask. This begins the negotiation.

Kris:       You can’t have Daniel Craig, but I will give you Daniel Radcliffe.

Sophie: Daniel Radcliffe is an embryo.

Kris: (shrugs) Sorry, honey. How about I give you Antonio Banderas. I mean, he’s like age appropriate.

Sophie: (seriously considers murdering her gay hubby and ending up on Dateline on ID) You’re freaking older than me – by lots.

Kris: (shakes his head) Oh, no, honey. I’m only like 30 in Gay Years. It’s the reverse of dog years. How about I give you Woody Harrelson?

Sophie: How about I give the rest of this vodka bottle upside your head.

Kris: Fine you can have Neil Patrick Harris. I’m sure he’s straight.

The joke’s on him. I’ll totally take Neil Patrick Harris. After all, he’s my dream gay – the one who doesn’t tell me everyone is gay.

Sophie Oak deeply apologizes to anyone who lusts after Antonio Banderas (hot, just older), Woody Harrelson (hot and with pot), and Daniel Radcliff (sorry, he’s still an embryo.)

Sophie Oak writes erotic romance for Siren Publishing.
Her latest, Found in Bliss (Nights in Bliss, Colorado 5), is available now.


Kathleen C said...

OMG, Kris is as bad as my husband. Every time I mention or point out a good looking man, he says he's gay. Or has gona-syphi-herpi-crabs. Yes, he totally made that up, but this is his usual reaction. :-)

Heather Rainier said...

Oh man, Sophie! I laughed so hard I nearly wet my pants! I hate when Kris does that. A little simple inspirational lust and...wham! he shoots it down. Do we do that to him? "Hey, Kris, you know he's straight, right?" Loved your blog today!

Aisha said...

iCried OMG, i love this, yeah he says everyone is gay except the gay guy!!!!LMAO ill take the true blood mix, along with Vin Diesel/me/the Rock, watched fast five like a million times just because of that combo!!!

Sophie said...

My husband - the not gay one - does it to me, too. And then he turns around and puts pics of my fave hot guys as the background of my computer. He's pretty secure. And Kris is deeply secure in his belief that all hot men are gay, H. You know that. No arguing with him.

Lucy V Morgan said...

Baha. This is the story of my life (except the gay friend part. What I need is a bi friend who's willing to lure some poor, unsuspecting hotstuff into my menage-tastic grasp).

I do often wonder if women are meant to live with pairs of men. It's what God *would* have wanted.

ashleyd said...

Haahaa you both are soooo damn funny. I would love to take Hugh Jackman, Joe and Alexander to bed with me. They are just so yummy.

heather said...

Lmao, thats too funny. I'm suprised you haven't hit over the head with something yet.

Juniper Bell said...

Daniel. Craig. Is. Not. Gay.

That's all! I'm done now.

(Love the post, Sophie.)