*face/palm* o.O and any other emoticon you want to insert there.
WTF? Of course, I couldn’t let that one sit and I, as well as other writers of BDSM, and readers of it, waded into the fray.
I’m sorry, but isn’t the ability to express our sexuality the way we CHOOSE to express it, consensually, one of the basic goals of the “women’s movement?” Instead of chastising women for expressing themselves freely, closed-minded individuals, and individuals who obviously know nothing about BDSM, should educate themselves about it.
This is a hot-button topic for me. Because I am actively involved in the BDSM lifestyle as a switch. That means I am both a Top as well as a bottom. Not only am I a bottom, I am a collared slave to both my husband and my Sir. In their submissive modes, they both submit to me, and I have to admit I’m a pretty sadistic Top when I’m in that mode.
This is a totally consensual relationship the three of us have. Nobody does anything without it being negotiated in advance.
Nobody has the right to tell me that what we do is “wrong.” Maybe it’s different than what someone else does, but am I supposed to limit myself to vanilla expressions of myself (and this isn’t just about sexuality, it’s a part of who I am) just because someone else doesn’t like it, or it doesn't fit in their neat and tidy version of how the Universe should work?
What I don’t get is how that author, who writes ROMANCE, can diss an entire population of people, as well as readers who might or might not be involved in the lifestyle but enjoy reading about it. Where does this person get off moralizing about what we do, when she obviously is clueless about the topic?
There is an expression commonly used in the lifestyle: YKINMK – Your Kink Is Not My Kink. It’s basically a live and let live philosophy. It doesn’t matter what two – or more – people do, as long as everyone involved is a CONSENTING ADULT. Consensual BDSM is NOT abuse. It might not be your thing. It might not be something you enjoy. That’s okay, because I don’t enjoy embroidering tea cozies or reading mushy, sweet, inspirational romances. But it’s okay if you do. It’s just not MY thing. But I’m not about to tell you you’re wrong for doing it. If it’s your thing, and you’re doing it consensually, great! Enjoy!
I think what sets civil rights back, regardless of whether it’s the “women’s movement” or if it’s gay rights, is small-minded, ignorant views that it’s okay to do something if it fits inside a neat little box.
I’d be willing to bet there were people involved in the civil rights movement of the 1960’s who personally had problems with interracial marriage, but they still did their part to fight for civil rights because it was the morally right thing to do.
Well, babycakes, let me tell you what. Consensual BDSM is a logical outflow of the women’s rights movement. We have the RIGHT to choose how we want to live our lives. And if that means that for part of our life we want to submit to someone else, then dammit, don’t tell us we’re wrong for it.
Let’s not leave out the fact that there are men who are submissives or switches. Are they also “wrong” for wanting to give up control sometimes? One thing I know personally is that many submissives are, in other areas of their lives, very dominant, Alpha personalities. Submission is like a mental vacation. And like I said, it’s not all about sex. I know some people whose submission doesn’t involve sex at all. For some, it’s an integral part of their sexuality.
But regardless of how they practice it, NO ONE has the right to tell them they’re “wrong” for doing it if it’s consensual. That’s akin to telling gays they’re “wrong” for being gay, or telling interracial couples they’re “wrong” for getting together.
Just because it’s not your thing doesn’t make it wrong. The only thing “wrong” in the equation is the small-minded ignorance of some people who don’t know how to educate themselves before opening their bigoted mouths.
Edit for clarification: I'm NOT saying the author in question (whom I'm not going to name publicly, and would appreciate it if no one else does either) doesn't have the right to not like the books. Sure, don't like them. I don't agree with her slamming them publicly, because it's highly unprofessional and shows a total lack of class, but whatever. My beef with the author in question is that she slams BDSM as a lifestyle choice and ignorantly and erroneously claims that it sets women's rights back. Just to make sure everyone understands what I'm saying. She has a right not to like the books and express her opinion of them -- even though she also claimed not to have read them -- but when she insults my lifestyle choice in an ignorant way, I have the right to rebut her opinion with my own.
Another Edit: Now the writer in question is backpedaling and saying her comments ONLY related to "50 Shades" and she didn't mean it about BDSM in general. Uh-huh. Sure. (That wind you felt was her backpedaling at the speed of light as she realized how many people she pissed off with her comments.) She neglected to admit she was wrong for making that judgment call in the first place about the book.
(Tymber Dalton is proud to admit she's active in the BDSM lifestyle, which is why she enjoys writing about it so much. Her website is http://tymberdalton.com )