So I’ve been to a lot of movies lately. My May was kind of crazy so the hubby and kids have forced me to get out and see that there’s a world out there. I see the sun for like five whole minutes before I sink into someone else’s fantasy.
The summer’s been nice, but you know me, I see a dearth of ménage. I know that sounds weird to you. You’re sitting there like, Sophie, what did you expect? Well, I expected the world to look like mine. I write two hot dudes, one smart, sarcastic slightly overweight girl stories like ten hours a day. It’s warped my sense of reality. And any author who tells you they don’t write themselves in as the heroine is high – or lying – or way less self-absorbed than me. So when I go to the movies, I settle in and try to put myself in the film.
I totally went into Avengers thinking Love Extreme. Yeah, I could totally do that. Sure, I wouldn’t look as good as Scarlett Johansson in that leather cat suit, but if you put me in like fifty shades of Spanx, I could be the Black Widow. Except where’s the ménage a many? Shouldn’t she be doing Thor and Captain America while the dude with arrows waits his turn and Iron Man lives up to that name? Nope. Didn’t happen. She didn’t even get to make Hulk turn green.
Okay. So that was a bust. But surely Snow White and the Huntsman will play out my fantasies. I mean I know damn well that the Huntsman isn’t Prince Charming and that there’s some hottie playing a prince. And Kristen Stewart is the new queen of being forced to choose between hot dudes. It’s her time. Maybe if she gets between two guys we’ll see a smile on that pretty face. (Holy fuck I think I just turned into my mother.) So I settle in ready for some fairy tale action.
Chris Hemsworth doesn’t even take off his shirt. Sob.
But Magic Mike will surely have some lucky girl caught between Channing Tatum, Joe Manganiello, the one who looks so young I kind of want to feed him a sandwich and send him on his way and Matthew McConaughey who looks startlingly good in a leather thong. Seriously, do they do ass Botox? I mean that butt is firm.
Oh, there’s sex, but it’s like the joyless, seedy type that’s supposed to make us feel so bad about picking up a dude that we just settle in with our vibrators because they don’t judge us. Thank you Steven Soderbergh for taking a movie with that many hot dudes and making me kind of want to cry.
But kudos to Jenna Dewan Tatum – because dayum girl, your ex-stripper husband is hawt as hell and any man who can do that with his hips has to be good in bed.
So I sigh because even the ménage movie I rented – This Means War – didn’t have a ménage in it.
Does it count if I find two vibrators? One the big alpha male vibe and the secondary beta vibe with a serious need to take care of me.
Yeah, that’s how far I’ve fallen. And it won’t get any better. Oliver Stone put out a film this week. Yeah, like that’s going to meet my needs.
Holy hell! The Savages really is a ménage. I have to go. I’ll be at the theater!
Sophie Oak writes for Siren Publishing well, right now she edits 24/7, but she really wants to get back to writing!
Her latest, Beauty (A Faery Story), is available now at Bookstrand.com.