I’m weird. Yep, that’s the way I’m starting my blog today—by stating the most obvious thing in the wonderful world of my insanity. In fact, I’m so weird that many people would probably describe me as unusual, dorky, and/or perverse. Or if you’re into being politically correct, you could call me, out of the ordinary, socially challenged, and sexually dysfunctional. But that is neither here nor there. The truth of the matter is: I. Am. Weird.
So what does my being strange have to do with the price of warm cherry pie? Well actually, not a lot. But, and this is a big but, my quirky nature affects me on a daily basis. And as we go into 2013, I’ve been thinking a lot about the next three hundred and sixty-five days. (Gasps) I know, right? I was thinking. That is seriously scary.
But I digress…
While contemplating the upcoming year, my mind wandered into the What the heck is my New Year’s Resolution? territory. Let me tell you, it wasn’t pretty. See, I’m not the kind of girl who wants to stick with the usual resolutions like…
- Workout more.
- Eat healthier.
- Be more positive.
- Curse less.
- Quit drinking.
First of all, I wouldn’t stick to these five. Why, you ask?
- The dust bunnies on my poor treadmill would attack me if I tried to touch their precious home.
- My version of healthier means more vegetables. Since large amounts of potatoes classify as Carb City in my humble opinion, that’s a big No.
- I’m already Mary-Freaking-Sunshine—according to a friend. If I get any more positive on a regular basis, I would have to smack myself so my friends wouldn’t do it for me.
- Cursing. Seriously? Hell would freeze over before I could control my tongue. Or at the very least, doctors would have to surgically implant a censor button in my brain. But I don’t see that one happening. And if it did, my insurance probably wouldn’t cover it.
- As far as drinking, I would have to start imbibing more than once or twice a year. Unless you count Coca-Cola…Now that I drink as much and as often as I can.
Secondly, I would rather do something more exciting, far stranger, than the conventional stuff. A lot of people like to stick to the norm. And I say good for them. But that is not me. It’s not who I am. I need to be different. I crave abnormality.
So now what? What kind of oddball resolutions did I come up with? Well, Google named a few, and I ran with them
- Taste as many unusual meats as possible. While the original man thought of raw yak, insects, and ostrich, I thought of…sausage. Hehehe. I bet you saw that one coming a mile away.
- Become a World Record Holder. Right, I’ll just hold my breath on that one.
- Replace bad habits with new ones. I’m thinking that I’ll quit eating cheeseburgers, and I’ll upgrade to double-bacon cheeseburgers. Um…yuck. I don’t particularly like bacon. But you get the gist of it.
- Go barefoot for the majority of the year. Oh wait, I already do that.
- Learn a new skill like bondage tape art. That could be very helpful in my new Dom series. Maybe, this is a good one. I can see it now. Doms wielding tape, and the subs who love it.
- Collect something. Handcuffs, maybe? After all, they do come in several shapes, sizes, and designs.
- Spend less time on the social networking websites. Okay, I’m stopping there. That’s plain disturbing.
Moving on to The Sexy Resolutions…You know who I am and what I write, you had to know that I was going there.
- Attempt at least one Kama Sutra position a week. This could be hard…bad choice of words. This could be difficult. I’m not exactly flexible. But hey, you never know.
- Invest in a minimum of one sexual related toy, book, or video per week. And be creative about it. They don’t call the Home Depot by the name Dom Depot for nothing.
- Become fluent in the art of Dirty Talk. I’m all for this one.
- Have one day a week that is No Panties day. My underwear fetish weeps at this one.
- Be more spontaneous. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, just grab that luscious man (or sexy woman) and …well, you know. *sings* Let’s get it on…
- See how many times your partner can make you come. Then each week, go for one more until you hit the magical number of your choice. I’m thinking 69 might be too extreme…huh?
- Have a ménage with a sailor. Hmm…the hubby might not like that one. Even better, learn to master Shibari.
- Fulfill one, You Might Be A Pervert If…, criterion per day. Oh that would be too darn easy. No challenge, no fun.
I could go on for days and days because the possibilities are truly endless—which is a bad, bad thing for me. I’m about as decisive as a swinging door. Well, I guess I have five days to decide…dum-da-dum. We’ll just have to wait and see. Won’t we?
I hope you all have a Happy New Year. Be safe…and seriously naughty. XOXOXO!
Much love and lots of cherries,