Friday, September 20, 2013

My Dirty, Flirty Thirties

Today's a big day for me. Yep, it's my birthday. But that's not what has me going, "Damn." No, the fact that I'm thirty is what has thrown me for a loop. Why? Well, I think that should be rather obvious. For that matter, I imagine what I'm going through is quite normal. Most people experience the "Holy crap on a stick! I'm thirty? When did that happen?" 



And I should suck it up because going from twenty-nine to thirty is no big deal? It just means I'm older and wiser and closer to my sexual peak (oh wait, I'm already there). Right?

Not exactly. 

See, I was always one of those, "Age is just a number" people. You know, the people you want to smack and say, "Shut the fuck up, woman. You're only twenty something." And yeah, I know age is still a number. But at the same time, it's different when you go from twenty to thirty (and thirty to forty and forty to fifty...). Now, before you say it, I'm not insinuating aging is a bad thing. It's just different, a unique experience. See, I'm no longer a kid or a teen or a young adult.  And yet, I'm not ready to hang it up, either. I have so many things I want to do, so many plans I want to fulfill. 

Honestly, though, I don't know where to start. Why? Because I'm me. I make lists and charts, but I never follow them. I write out plans, but I always seem to lose them. And I draw maps, which is scary because I can't draw a straight line, but I can't read a map to save my life. (Seriously, there's a reason I get lost driving across town.) So at this point, my mind is whirling and twirling. My stomach is churning. And my poor, overloaded, and confused brain is asking, "Now what?" 

So I started thinking...

And thinking...

And then thinking some more...

Ugh. This is taking forever. I'm going to get some cake and ice cream. Be back in a minute...

Okay, I'm back. And I'm stuffed. Not that kind of stuffed, you naughty thing you! Still, I have a big, fat nothing on what to do. I guess that means I'm going to visit my wonderful friend Google. I know, I know. Google can't tell me what to do. Oh wait. It probably can. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

(Pulling up my browser and waiting for it to load while singing the Jeopardy Song. Google comes up. Now searching for "turning thirty.")

Ah, here's a little something:

(Glamour Magazine)

  • Don't freak out about all the brilliant people who have accomplished more than you by 30.
  • Do enjoy your sexual prime.
  • Don't cut your face.
  • Do travel.
  • Don't propose to the next guy you meet just because you worry he'll be your last chance.
  • Don't feel pressured to pop out kids.
  • Do reap the benefits of your accumulated wisdom.
  • Do learn a skill.
  • And don't be bogged down by your past.

Feeling a bit better, let's keep looking.

Here's a little something else:

(Mental Floss)

  1. The McNugget
  2. D.A.R.E.
  3. The Swatch Watch
  4. TCIP/IP on Arpanet (The Internet)
  5. R.E.M. and Weird All Yankovic's First Albums
  6. The Moonwalk
  7. Plink
  8. Mama's Family
  9. Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
  10. Sweet Valley High
  11. The American Minivan
  12. Mario Brothers
  13. Hooters
  14. Sony Camcorder
  15. AOL
  16. The Apple IIE
  17. Pet Sematary
  18. Cabbage Patch Kids
  19. The Disney Channel
  20. Reading Rainbow
  21. The A-Tem
  22. J. Crew
  23. Stairmaster
  24. Care Bears
  25. My Little Pony
  26. Aziz Ansari (Carrie Underwood, Mila Kunis, Jesse Eisenberg, Jonah Hill, Chris Hemsworth, and Alison Brie)
  27. Microsoft Word
  28. Trump Tower
  29. American Diversity in Space
  30. The Ongoing Eruption of Kilauea
This is getting better and better. How about one more looksie?


(Yahoo Shine)

  1. Energy
  2. Self-Esteem (I am woman, here me ROAR!)
  3. Commitment (*sings* 'Put a ring on it...')
  4. Experience (Been there, done that, and know how to do it again and again and again...)
  5. Body 
  6. Peak
  7. Inhibitions (*waves* Bye-bye)
  8. Hang-ups (Sayonara suckers)
  9. Love (Awww!)
  10. Variety (It's the spice of life.)
  11. Masturbation (Nothing like the touch of your hand...and other things)
  12. Trust
  13. Open
  14. Intelligence (E=MC2 = Bow chick a wow wow)
  15. Tolerance
  16. Knowing (I know what I want. I know how to get it. So let's get it on.)
  17. Orgasms (They're like the Energizer Bunny... They keep going and going and feel better and better.)
  18. Turn-ons (I know what buttons to push. So does he.)
  19. Laughter
  20. Time
  21. Discipline
  22. Confidence
  23. Lust
  24. Words (I write dirty talk, and I know how to use it!)
  25. Tolerance
  26. Boundaries (Boundaries? What are 'boundaries'?)
  27. Fear (Later, tater!)
  28. Nudity
  29. Boobs
  30. Kissing (*shudders*)
Okay, I'm sold! Thirty is going to be awesome. It'll be dirty, flirty, sexy, sassy, and saucy. True, it won't be perfect. And sure, I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start or what's in store for me. But I do know that I'm going to love every second of it. From the looks of that last list, so will my husband. Not that he's been complaining as of yet. But hey, there's only one way to go - up. Right?

Love and cherries,

1 comment:

Lily Harlem said...


And yep, 30 is completely awesome, enjoy the decade ;-)

Lily x