Today's a big day for me. Yep, it's my birthday. But that's not what has me going, "Damn." No, the fact that I'm thirty is what has thrown me for a loop. Why? Well, I think that should be rather obvious. For that matter, I imagine what I'm going through is quite normal. Most people experience the "Holy crap on a stick! I'm thirty? When did that happen?"
And I should suck it up because going from twenty-nine to thirty is no big deal? It just means I'm older and wiser and closer to my sexual peak (oh wait, I'm already there). Right?
See, I was always one of those, "Age is just a number" people. You know, the people you want to smack and say, "Shut the fuck up, woman. You're only twenty something." And yeah, I know age is still a number. But at the same time, it's different when you go from twenty to thirty (and thirty to forty and forty to fifty...). Now, before you say it, I'm not insinuating aging is a bad thing. It's just different, a unique experience. See, I'm no longer a kid or a teen or a young adult. And yet, I'm not ready to hang it up, either. I have so many things I want to do, so many plans I want to fulfill.
Honestly, though, I don't know where to start. Why? Because I'm me. I make lists and charts, but I never follow them. I write out plans, but I always seem to lose them. And I draw maps, which is scary because I can't draw a straight line, but I can't read a map to save my life. (Seriously, there's a reason I get lost driving across town.) So at this point, my mind is whirling and twirling. My stomach is churning. And my poor, overloaded, and confused brain is asking, "Now what?"
So I started thinking...
And then thinking some more...
Ugh. This is taking forever. I'm going to get some cake and ice cream. Be back in a minute...
Okay, I'm back. And I'm stuffed. Not that kind of stuffed, you naughty thing you! Still, I have a big, fat nothing on what to do. I guess that means I'm going to visit my wonderful friend Google. I know, I know. Google can't tell me what to do. Oh wait. It probably can. I guess we'll have to wait and see.
(Pulling up my browser and waiting for it to load while singing the Jeopardy Song. Google comes up. Now searching for "turning thirty.")
Ah, here's a little something:
- Don't freak out about all the brilliant people who have accomplished more than you by 30.
- Do enjoy your sexual prime.
- Don't cut your face.
- Do travel.
- Don't propose to the next guy you meet just because you worry he'll be your last chance.
- Don't feel pressured to pop out kids.
- Do reap the benefits of your accumulated wisdom.
- Do learn a skill.
- And don't be bogged down by your past.
Feeling a bit better, let's keep looking.
Here's a little something else:
- The McNugget
- The Swatch Watch
- TCIP/IP on Arpanet (The Internet)
- R.E.M. and Weird All Yankovic's First Albums
- The Moonwalk
- Mama's Family
- Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
- Sweet Valley High
- The American Minivan
- Mario Brothers
- Sony Camcorder
- The Apple IIE
- Pet Sematary
- Cabbage Patch Kids
- The Disney Channel
- Reading Rainbow
- The A-Tem
- J. Crew
- Care Bears
- My Little Pony
- Aziz Ansari (Carrie Underwood, Mila Kunis, Jesse Eisenberg, Jonah Hill, Chris Hemsworth, and Alison Brie)
- Microsoft Word
- Trump Tower
- American Diversity in Space
- The Ongoing Eruption of Kilauea
This is getting better and better. How about one more looksie?
- Self-Esteem (I am woman, here me ROAR!)
- Commitment (*sings* 'Put a ring on it...')
- Experience (Been there, done that, and know how to do it again and again and again...)
- Inhibitions (*waves* Bye-bye)
- Hang-ups (Sayonara suckers)
- Love (Awww!)
- Variety (It's the spice of life.)
- Masturbation (Nothing like the touch of your hand...and other things)
- Intelligence (E=MC2 = Bow chick a wow wow)
- Knowing (I know what I want. I know how to get it. So let's get it on.)
- Orgasms (They're like the Energizer Bunny... They keep going and going and feel better and better.)
- Turn-ons (I know what buttons to push. So does he.)
- Words (I write dirty talk, and I know how to use it!)
- Boundaries (Boundaries? What are 'boundaries'?)
- Fear (Later, tater!)
- Kissing (*shudders*)
Okay, I'm sold! Thirty is going to be awesome. It'll be dirty, flirty, sexy, sassy, and saucy. True, it won't be perfect. And sure, I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start or what's in store for me. But I do know that I'm going to love every second of it. From the looks of that last list, so will my husband. Not that he's been complaining as of yet. But hey, there's only one way to go - up. Right?
Love and cherries,